learning a new word for without
by neverephemeral
Summary: Darcy had come to the conclusion that flinging herself off the Avengers tower would be less painful than what she was feeling at the moment.
**I'm sorry that it's once again on the short size.**

* * *

 _ **Please stay where you are**_  
 _ **Don't come any closer**_  
 _ **Don't try to change my mind**_  
 _ **I'm being cruel to be kind  
** -Love in the Dark by Adele_

 **A** whole week had passed since the dinner party, since Darcy's heart had been shattered into pieces; sharp shards that she could still feel slicing her insides up. She had all but become a hermit, hiding herself away in her apartment. Nothing like living in the same building as the person who broke your heart. Jane and Pepper had visited her, doing the whole girls night ordeal; alcohol and ice cream included. Bruce had stopped by to let her know that he was sorry and was there for her. Sam and Bucky talked about how Natasha is a fool and will come around, if she didn't, they would kick her ass for Darcy. Imagining it alone was what got Darcy to laugh. Clint, bless him, told Darcy to give Natasha some time and that she really did love her. The only time Darcy left her apartment was to go to Tony's lab and hang with him; he let her blow something up. With the circumstances as they were, Fury let it pass.

Yet this entire time, Darcy hadn't cried.

She had been listening to Adele on repeat for the past couple days and still nothing. She thought for sure Adele would make it happen.

Darcy didn't understand, she didn't know how she was feeling except numb. How can one still be in severe pain and yet numb at the same time?

Darcy had come to the conclusion that flinging herself off the Avengers tower would be less painful than what she was feeling at the moment.

"Darce?"

"The door's open," Darcy called from her seat on the couch. She had been expecting Steve either tonight or tomorrow morning. He had been on a mission with Natasha and they were due back either Thursday night or Friday morning.

Steve appeared on the other side of her, "hey."

"Hey," Darcy held her glass up in salute.

"How many drinks have you had?" Steve asked.

"This would be my fourth," Darcy answered. She gave him a sarcastic smile, "I drank water and Powerade all day so that I could drink. I've been training all day for this."

Steve said nothing and sat beside Darcy on the couch. Just arriving back from a mission and Steve was in better shape than her. The last time she took a shower was yesterday morning and right now, she was dressed in an oversize sweatshirt, sweatpants and her hair was pulled up in a messy ponytail.

* * *

"How did the mission go?"

Steve nodded, "it went good. No hiccups or anything."

"Good, good," she took a sip of her drink. She didn't look at him, only stared at her leg. "How's… did… uhm..."

"She's okay," Steve answered quickly. "She's giving Fury the mission rundown."

Darcy nodded, "oh."

Silence surrounded them. Darcy for the first time in a week was happy that she wasn't alone. She was happy that Steve was here with her.

"I keep thinking about it," Darcy said. "I wonder if she had said that she wasn't in love with me, if it would be hurting this much. You know? I wonder if it would have the same level as pain as it does knowing that she's trying _not_ to be in love with me." She took another sip. "I swear I can feel my insides being sliced by pieces of my heart. You know how when you go to the hospital, and they ask on a scale from 1-10 what your pain is?"

Steve nodded.

"I'm beyond a 10," Darcy said. "I'm beyond morphine's help."

"Darce."

"She's trying not to love me, Steve," Darcy could finally feel a knot forming in her throat. "She's actively trying not to be in love with me. What's wrong with me? Is it because I'm not an Avenger? I'm just as much as one as the rest of you."

"You are," Steve agreed.

"Damn right I am," Darcy slammed her drink down on top of the table and stood up. "Is it because I can't fight? I can learn. You can train me can't you?" She looked down at him. "You would train me, right?"

"Of course."

"She kissed me! She kissed me. There was something there," Darcy said. "When we kissed..." she shook her head. "I want to stop feeling, Steve. Make me stop feeling. How can we make that happen?"

"You can't," Steve said. "There's nothing in the world that can numb heartache."

Darcy brought her hand up to her chest, covering the place where her heart sat. "How do you cope?"

"As cliche as it sounds, time," Steve replied. "Eventually you learn how to deal with the pain. It's always there but it's not as obvious because you've learned to live with it. There will be days though," he sighed, "when the pain flares up and it feels as fresh as the day it happened."

Darcy walked back over to the couch and sat down beside him.

"Those days are the hardest," Steve said, "but you get through them."

"How?" She asked.

Steve shrugged, "you figure that you've survived this far, you can survive this."

"Am I worth it?" Darcy asked.

"Yes," Steve said. "You're worth it, Darcy."

"Why doesn't she know that?" Darcy asked.

"She does," Steve said.

Darcy shook her head and looked at him, tears in her eyes, "then why doesn't she want me? What's wrong with me?"  
"Nothing, Darcy, nothing."

"I love her," Darcy began to sob. "I love her."

Steve swept Darcy up into his arms as she completely fell apart. Everything that she had been holding in was being released all at once. It was as if a levee had broke inside of her. Darcy had completely fallen apart and she didn't know how she was going to fix herself.

* * *

 _ **Thank you for reading. :)**_


End file.
